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It’s
been fourteen years since I was fifteen. I’ve always been interested in
alternative music. Something that ostracized me from what “normal” black teens
were supposed to be listening to. I’m not good at molding myself into a
silhouette that doesn’t suit me. I usually had to pretend to listen to the 80s
and 90s hip-hop partying throughout Uncle J’s fenced-in house in San
Bernardino. Sitting on one of the two thrifted beds, cramped in the tiny side
bedroom that only had a sheet and a blanket each, a leaning tower of laundry
sways with each bass drop in the corner. The flat screen propped up on a
mismatched dresser is on. Love & Hip Hop: New York was playing, but my
cousins, sister, and I were not watching. Instead, our ears were trying to catch
snippets of words between us as we caught up.
“You’re
going through a Goth phase, aren’t you?” My cousin Mario said that. I haven’t
seen him in some years, and I can’t help but smile looking back at his comment.
I’m in year fourteen of this “phase” of mine.
***
When
you envision a Goth, what do you see? The pale skin of a white-passing person?
Long dyed black hair that’s been fried straight? Chunky black boots (these are
usually Demonia boots)? Red contacts since Goths like vampires? Black clothes
that wrap around a thin, ghostly white body? A sharp, angular face with ashen
contour makeup to appear more skeletal? If you’re gross, the big titty Goth
girlfriend meme? Did you notice that these descriptions of what a Goth is
supposed to look like don’t allow for anyone who’s not white-adjacent? I did,
and social media doesn’t permit me to forget that my blackness doesn’t match
the idealized image of what a Goth is supposed to look like.
***
I had
finished my homework and was browsing on YouTube when I came across my first goth
video. It was after dinner, and I was on my laptop in the living room. The ugly
beige carpet looked like all ugly carpets in Ventura’s apartments. The Goth
woman was an elder. Elder Goths have been a part of the community for ten-plus
years. (I’m considered one now.) Her hair was dyed orange, and she wore
matching eyeshadow that popped against her pale skin. She had on a fitted black
T-shirt over a black fishnet shirt. Her wrists were covered in spiked cuffs.
She had piercings, but the kind that wouldn’t set off a metal detector. Her
fingernails were painted orange. Her background was her living room. Her non-Goth
husband was just off-screen.
She spoke
about how being Goth wasn’t attached to race. The clothing expresses how the
music makes Goths feel and how Goth is a mindset. (This statement is used by
“Goths,” who only wear the clothes.) She went on to talk about how Goth wasn’t
related to any religion or drugs and was safe for minors to participate in.
Hearing
what she said about the subculture, I wanted to explore the foreign community.
Of course, goth fashion caught my attention first, which didn’t delegitimize my
desire to be goth or anyone’s fascination with the subculture. The first thing
you notice about any alternative person is their clothes. Our fashion sense is
as quiet as the guitar riffs in our music, and with how visually dominant social
media is, non-Goths look first and listen sometimes.
I
didn’t start listening to Goth music that very night. Instead, I watched
several other videos about the Goth subculture. I noticed something. Most of
the Goths I saw were white or could be viewed as white. I specifically searched
for black Goths, and even then, there wasn’t much to find. Despite being
reassured that anyone of any ethnicity or race could be Goth, the face of the Goth
community didn’t look like mine or any non-white person.
***
I was
lying on my twin-size bed in a small apartment room when I played my first Goth
Rock song. My sister was napping on her matching bed. A bit of history: Post-punk
was born after punk rock died and zombified at the end of the 70s. Consider Post-punk
Goth’s buffering stage. Once 1979 came, Goth was fully realized with Bauhaus’s Bela
Lugosi’s Dead, the first official Goth rock track. This
was not my first Goth song; I listened to Siouxsie and the
Banshees’ Spellbound. The next piece I listened to was
from The
Sisters of Mercy’s Lucretia My Reflection.
The Cure is another foundational Goth band; however, they weren’t a part of my
initial introduction to Goth. It was then that I was hooked and craved to hear
more. Goth music sparked an intense freedom within me. It touched upon my
emotions in a way that R&B and hip-hop never consistently could. (A truth
that made the teenager feel false in her blackness.) But for all my newfound
love and baby bat status (new Goths are called baby bats), I wasn’t sure I
could be a Goth. At least not visually.
I hid
behind another alternative community, the vintage/rockabilly community. That
community was more racially diverse. It helps that I love fashion and fashion
history. The thing was that my gothic tendencies leaked through. The dark pool
of Goth music dyed everything I wore, and I was the only one fooled. To be fair
to myself, I have a soft spot for 1970s rock, disco, and funk music. And if I’m
not listening to Goth music, it’s likely something from the 70s. 1960s and ’70s
fashion heavily inspires some of my current clothing. And whenever it’s summer
in Southern California, I always have the urge to dress more pin-up with high-waisted
shorts, cropped tops, and platform sandals.
***
A
conversation that happened two years ago stands out. My sister was driving her
white car (it’s totaled now); we talked about a song by Christian Death.
Christian Death is an influential Deathrock band. Deathrock emerged from the
Los Angeles punk scene in the late ‘70s, like Goth did in the London punk scene.
Deathrockers and Goths are alternative twins, as several bands have crossover
appeal.
“I
feel stupid.”
“About
what?” Tami was drinking an ICE water.
I was
messing with my phone, “There’s this song called Romeo’s
Distress, and I like this song…”
“But?”
“The
first line is: Burning crosses on a n-word (with the hard er) lawn. And I never
noticed that. I love this song, especially the Faith and the Muse version.”
We’re
stopped at the light. The gray overcast dulled the outside world. The car is
warm, but it didn’t warm my mood.
“Well…I
can see why you’re thrown off.”
“Like,
I get that the lead singer (Rozz Williams) dealt with suicidal depression that
ultimately took his life, but the n-word isn’t something a white man should casually
say.”
“Was
he racist?”
“No,
but I still feel stupid. I don’t know. Can you understand what he’s saying?” I
turned the volume up on my phone and played Romeo’s Distress.
“That’s
a bad case of mush mouth. I don’t even know the words for that first line.”
“Right!
Other fans of Christian Death seem at a standstill on how to feel.”
It’s
moments like that that remind me how white the Goth community is at times.
Despite being a part of the underground scene, alternative communities fall
short, just like mainstream society.
***
This
is just a short aside rant about the big titty Goth girlfriend meme that I
mentioned earlier. This dumbass meme came about from some SoundCloud “Goth”
rappers. (If you want to listen to an actual Goth band that experimented with
rap, check out Soft Kill’s album Metta
World Peace. Past Life II
is my favorite song, combining Goth and rap.) These assholes pushed the
narrative that Goth girls have big boobs, are mentally unstable, like being
sexually abused, and are drug addicts. Because of this, real Goth girls, women,
and femmes have been assaulted and harassed online and in person. It also
doesn’t help when some sex workers dress up like Goths and then proceed to
market themselves as “Goth girls who are always ready and waiting to fuck,”
which endangers Goths who are and aren’t sex workers because a horny jackass doesn’t
understand that the real world isn’t Pornhub. I’ve read one too many horror
stories of a fellow Goth woman getting propositioned for sex while she was
going about her day.
I’m
fortunate that this hasn’t happened to me yet, but it shouldn’t happen to any Goth.
Goths aren’t a fetish night that gets bragged about the next day. Honestly,
there’s nothing special about sleeping with a Goth. Your girlfriend dressing
like the party city version of a Goth isn’t a cute look. Especially if it’s
just for some stupid sexual roleplaying, be more creative. Okay, rant over; now
move along.
***
A few
years ago, an old friend visited her parents. Her parents have been neighbors
of my grandparents for around twenty years. She babysat Tami and me when we
were younger, and we dropped by when she was in town. We hang out in the living
room. The three black leather couches are half our age. A giant flat-screen TV plays
EDM music. Cami transitioned some years ago and started wearing darker clothing.
Our conversation moved from topic to topic as we caught up. Until…
“So,
I decided to commit to this goth thing,” Cami said nonchalantly.
Tami
took her phone and moved to another leather couch. “Here she goes.”
“Goth…thing?
Are you Goth?” I haven’t met a baby bat in a while.
“Yeah,
I like the fashion. I think these spooky clothes fit me.”
“Cami…you
know that Goth isn’t a fashion subculture, right?”
“Yeah,
it is.”
“No,
no, it’s not. Goth is a music subculture. The clothes are just an expression of
that.”
“Well,
you can still be Goth without listening to the music—”
“No,
you can’t. Without the music, there wouldn’t be the fashion.”
“I
still think you can be a Goth without the music.”
“Quick
question, Cami; can you call yourself a K-pop stan if you don’t listen to K-pop?”
“That’s
not the same thing, K-pop doesn’t have associated fashion.”
“Yes, they are. To be a K-pop stan,
you must listen to K-pop. To be a Goth, you must listen to Goth music. Even if
I only wear Goth band t-shirts and joggers, I’ll still be as Goth as I am wearing
the fashion. Listening to the music is what matters. However, it doesn’t have
to be the only music you listen to.” (You’re free to wear the fashion since it’s
your money, you’re just not considered a Goth if you don’t listen to the
music.)
She
probably didn’t argue further because it wasn’t worth it in her eyes. It’s a
hard line that any Goth worth their salt wouldn’t allow to bend. Even still, I
wanted Cami to listen to some Goth bands. I took the remote and searched for a
few bands to introduce Cami to. I started with Boy Harsher
since they’re a dark EDM band beloved in the community, and EDM was playing
earlier. I moved on to Soft
Kill
because they have many shoegaze tracks, an adjacent music genre to Goth. The
last band I played was Male
Tears. Boy Harsher and Soft Kill, while Goth bands, have
songs that can appeal to non-Goths. Male Tears doesn’t have that buffer. It’s modern
‘80s darkwave. I don’t know if the songs I’ve played for Cami stuck. I hoped
that at least one piece showed her what the music is.
***
Let’s
talk about the diverse subgenres that make up goth. You start with Post-punk,
which still has bands frequently dropping new tracks. Post-punk isn’t a
subgenre, but Goth’s starting point when punk “died.” (Sidenote: all Goth music
is Post-punk, but not all Post-punk is Goth.) So, then there’s Gothic rock,
Goth rock’s legal name. Gothic rock was fully formed in the ‘80s at the Batcave
in London. Deathrock is Goth rock’s twin and was born in Los Angeles. The
subgenre embodies its punk roots. Because the ‘80s were drenched in
synthesizers and inspired by New Wave, Goth birthed darkwave, ethereal, and
minimal wave. Darkwave keeps Goth’s dark tones while keeping the danceable nature
of new wave music. Ethereal has hauntingly beautiful voices singing atop a dark
dance track. Minimal wave is heavily stripped of complex beats, leaving repetitive
mechanical beats. The different waves are usually non-Goth-friendly, since the
synthesizer is familiar to most music listeners. While not a part of Goth, New Wave
is always welcomed because it greatly influences the subculture and has existed
since the scene’s beginning. Shoegaze is an orbiter music genre halfway inside Goth’s
mouth. It’s easy to transition into the expansive Goth sound through Shoegaze.
Synthpop is Goth’s best friend because, you guessed it, synthesizers. There are
other cousin music genres like dark EDM, but that’s a rabbit hole of unending
Reddit arguments, like whether Joy Division is considered a Goth band. The 80s
Elders are undecided, and I won’t risk my neck on a band I’m indifferent to.
Depeche Mode is also a coin toss on whether the band is Goth or not. Bands on
the fringes or loosey-goosey subgenres are always up in the air.
Goth
music brings in new bands; old ones return with new music, like Rosetta Stone. The
music is alive and welcoming to a fresh cauldron of baby bats. However, over
the past few years, many non-Goths have been trying to define what Goth is.
Like attempting to make other alternative subcultures wear a Goth mask. There’s
no need to force Emo or Metal into Goth’s skin. These alternative communities
can and do stand independently, so can Goth. It’s exhausting to politely tell
someone that Goth isn’t an aesthetic or a fashion subculture. Then have them
turn around and tell you you’re a gatekeeper. (Goths have zero problem recommending
a playlist to get a newcomer a feel for the music. Yet focusing on the
subculture’s core is gatekeeping.) That Goth is just spooky-looking clothing
and Halloween. Or someone dresses in Goth clothes as a trend because being
vaguely alternative is the cool thing to do on TikTok. Doing that gets under a
lot of alternative people’s skin. Our subcultures mean a lot to us.
Unlike
many elder Goths and Goths from more conservative backgrounds, I’ve never been
bullied for being an alternative kid. They were called devil worshipers or
freaks because of how they dressed and what they listened to. I don’t have a
personality that allows for bullying. That strong personality helps me a lot
when it comes to dealing with nonsense. What I had to deal with was impostor
syndrome.
***
Being
unambiguous in your ethnicity is a pain at times. Especially when you’re a part
of an alternative community. Everyone around you doesn’t believe that you’re
really a part of an alternative subculture that isn’t black-approved. You liked
hip-hop, R&B, and pop. That’s it. Although it’s better today, the
limitations are still silently there.
Back in the 2010s, being alternative
was a white-only thing. That’s not to say there weren’t non-white looking
people of color who were a part of an alternative subculture; there were. They
just weren’t the people you saw. If you wanted to see a black Goth anywhere on
social media, you likely had to scroll through pages worth of images to find a
person or two, if you were lucky. Because there weren’t often people who looked
like me, I felt I didn’t belong. I was a novelty, only visiting until I
returned to where I belonged. It didn’t help that light-skinned girls could
dress alternatively and be accepted more easily. The worst feeling was the
white girls who didn’t listen to the music, didn’t care about the history, and
treated the subculture as an edgy trend. Those girls got to be treated as real Goths
by people outside the community.
In contrast, I was assumed to be
seeking attention from the black community. An upside to not having my interest
taken seriously is that I wasn’t accused of devil worshiping. I ended up
questioning if I was really Goth. I had friends and family who believed my
interest was temporary. It was so frustrating. But as I got older, I stopped
caring and got my priorities straight. Is there likely going to be some random
person who’ll question my gothiness? Yes. Will I have to deal with non-Goths
trying to pretend they’re Goth and spread bullshit information about the
subculture I’ve been a part of for ten-plus years? Yes. Am I going to let that
nonsense ruin my day? No, I have the new Twin Tribes album
to check out and a bank account to ruin because I’ve been inspired by my
favorite music. Just because Goth isn’t about the clothes doesn’t mean the
clothes don’t play a part in the aesthetics. Those dark threads have been
bleeding the wallets of Goths dry since 1983.
***
So, what goes into a typical femme Goth
outfit? I know I was just on a soap box, lambasting the very thought of goth
being just fashion, but the majority of Goths don’t dress like normies. Normie
is a neutral name for non-alternative people, although it can be used as an
insult. Most Goths stand out because of what we wear, so what is the logic
behind the black clothes? (I won’t go into every little detail and will do
broad strokes.)
To the surprise of everyone who isn’t
Goth, the music and the decade can give a decent clue on how a Goth dresses. In
the ‘80s, what is now called Trad Goth (also known as Batcavers) was the norm.
Big hair, pale face, ancient Egyptian-style eyeliner, thrifted clothes, and DIY
pieces. In the early days of goth, wearing bright colors like yellow, blue, red,
and white wasn’t unusual. Black was taking over as the color of choice, but
color wasn’t excluded either. PVC jackets, fishnet tights, and winklepicker
shoes ran wild with billowy color block shirts. It was the ‘80s, and makeup then
was bright and colorful, even for Goths. The music that inspired most outfits was
Post-punk, Goth rock, and New Wave. Because Goth was still close to its punk heritage,
thrifting for clothes, DIYing patches onto clothes, and creating jewelry were
still prominent in the community.
Modern Trad Goths don’t mix bright
colors in their outfits. It’s black with some white, depending on the outfit.
Thrifting is also not as important as it was. The makeup is just as dramatic as
in the ‘80s, just all-black on top of a ghost-white foundation. This makeup
style is typical throughout the scene, but some people break out colorful
lipsticks and eyeshadows.
Going into the ‘90s, there was a Renaissance/medieval
revival. Clothing became more romantic and flowy. Pieces had dramatic sleeves
and skirts. Corsets/laced-up bodices were heavily desired. Outside of wearing
black, dark blues, reds, greens, and purples were common. Romantic fabrics like
velvet and lace came to the forefront. Thrifting for vintage sleepwear from the
50s to the 70s was something many femme Goths did. Goth also took some fashion
tips from Grunge with kinderwhore. Creating its own version, called kindergoth.
Although this romantic take on goth fashion was all the rage, dressing trad was
still a regular occurrence. Makeup was more subdued, like most makeup in the
‘90s. A pale foundation with blacks, browns, and reds. The music that inspired many
people at the time was Goth rock, Darkwave, Ethereal, and New Wave.
As for modern wearers of this style, I
believe Nu Goth is the contemporary version of ‘90s Goth fashion. The use of
romantic fabrics, flowy silhouettes, and less in-your-face styling and makeup reminds
me a lot of 90s Goths. Again, everything
is mostly black, with some red and purple occasionally. The makeup can range
from vampy to something that gives the ‘80s a shock from the drama.
The 2000s were a time when goth was
under threat of becoming a dying scene. It was a combination of things, from
DJs catering to ravers on Goth night to the Columbine shooting and the clubs closing.
The fashion didn’t stand out. The music also slowed down at the time. Many
established Goths either went through a normie phase or quieted their physical
appearance enough to not draw attention to themselves. The community was nearly
dead. Obviously, there were still Goths who didn’t turn down their appearance,
but the scene became quiet.
Into the 2010s, Goth found its spark
of life again. This is when I joined the scene incognito. Nu Goth and Pastel Goth
caught the eye of many potential baby bats. Social media was taking over. I
won’t repeat what I said about Nu Goth since that would be annoying. Moving on,
Pastel Goth is, fashion-wise, Nu Goth’s fraternal twin. But instead of
defaulting to white as an accent color, pastel colors are used. The pastel
colors are usually pink, lavender, and blue. This was also the time when death
rock styling was heavily influential. The influence was mainly on the makeup
and hair. White foundation, gray contour, black eyeshadow, eyebrows, and
lipstick. Black or bleached blond hair teased high with a partial shave on the
sides. If a Goth wanted to change it up, they might wear a wig that started as
black at the roots and ombre out to a pastel color. When it came to music, it
was a return to the classics. Mostly Goth rock, Deathrock, and dark EDM.
However, this was also when people started to claim that “you don’t have to
listen to Goth music to be a Goth. Goth is a mindset.”
In the 2020s, Goth fashion doesn’t
have a solid, easily identifiable look. Nu goth is still the most prominent when
it comes to fashion. If I had to guess, it has to do with the overwhelming
amount of aesthetics flooding the internet. Since the beginning, Goth fashion
has been mainstream fashion’s dark sister. With so many aesthetics to twist
into a darker version, nothing stands out as a coherent look. This is a
double-edged sword. Back in the 2010s, there was an obsession with figuring out
“what type of goth are you?” quizzes. You can blame BuzzFeed quizzes for this. The
whole what type of Goth are you silliness came from the ‘90s. The original list
was a joke and filled with fake types of Goths. However, this list was taken
seriously years later, and new lists were made. The problem was that newer Goths
felt the need to police themselves and fellow Goths. If you became a Goth, you
had to choose what type of Goth you were, and you couldn’t change. People were
trying to regulate what clothes you could wear based on what type of Goth you
were. Even though there’s no such thing as Goth types. There’s only the music
and how that music inspires your style. And I worry that this aesthetic craze,
which is also bad for the environment because of fast fashion, will reawaken that
madness again.
***
With the broad stroke of the fashion
out of the way, did you notice? Did you realize how often I mentioned paleness?
Even in more diverse cities that had a Goth scene, whiteness was still the
default. And while it is easier for me to look for and see other Black Goths, we’re
still outsiders. We still get harassed, and the community hasn’t done much to
correct it. Maybe the Goth community shouldn’t have paleness at the fashion’s
forefront. Maybe wearing a foundation that matches your skin tone should be the
norm. I understand that wearing a white or near-white foundation with a gray contour
is supposed to help you look dead, but doing so on brown skin makes you look
like an uncute clown. And using a brown foundation that is lighter than your
skin tone makes you look ashy. And I refuse to not look well moisturized.
Something feels like it needs to give when it comes to the face of Goth.
Because even though the music comes first, who looks Goth decides who’s
welcomed into the subculture.
***
When my Mom came to visit Tami and me
something magically happened. Tami had changed out of her purple scrubs and was
wearing house clothes. I was wearing comfy sweats. Mom was in a pair of jeans
and a sweatshirt. We sat at the large wooden square dinner table. Tami and Mom
sat on the white bench while I sat on the closest matching chair. The white
shutters were open to let in the late afternoon sun. We were talking and moving
from topic to topic.
“So, I’ve been on a New Wave and
synthpop kick recently,” I said. Then I started playing the new musicians I’m
interested in.
This wasn’t the first time I did
something like this. I often play darkwave, synthpop, and new wave songs for my
Mom. I like to hear her take on how much these modern bands sound like the
bands she heard in the ‘80s. I started off by playing The Weeknd’s Blinding
Lights. I know The Weeknd is mainstream, but this is a
synthpop song, so it’s allowed on the goth playlist. Mainly because it felt
like he sampled a song from the ‘80s, and I wanted to know if my Mom could pin
which one.
“Wait a moment, I’ve heard this beat
before. He definitely sampled it from someone,” Mom’s eyebrows pulled together.
“Yeah, this song was also used a lot
for memes some months ago,” said Tami.
Three similar faces tried to see past
the Blinding Light toward the sampled song, but all were left with a spotty
vision from the brilliance of such a banger. With that song over, I picked a
new one for my Mom to listen to.
I recently learned about Korine, a new wave
band, and played Train
to Harlem. Once the song finished, I played a few
of their tracks, which I saved on my playlist for my Mom. She nodded her head
along and smiled. She has a soft spot for New Wave, especially when it sounds
like it came out of the ‘80s. Next was Madeline Goldstein, a synthpop artist, Seed
of Doubt. I couldn’t help but bob to this song. I
could already picture what type of outfits I’d wear. A sheer overlayer with a
slip dress under or a mini skirt paired with an oversized top. For jewelry,
statement earrings, a chunky choker, and rings. Tights or thigh-high socks with
some boots. A mix of secondhand and new. Give me a song, and I’ll envision an
outfit to go with it to reflect the mood. Only Goth can compel me to create
outfits for songs.
***
For fourteen years, I’ve been a Goth.
I’ve had my ups and downs with the subculture, and the community still has a
lot of flaws. Non-white Goths are, more often than not, still invisible to the
broader community which leads to some unchecked racism problems. Weirdly, when
it comes to retail, models of color are more frequently seen. If I had one wish
to change the Goth community for the better, it would be for bands to hire more
dark-skinned people of color to appear in music videos. Most Goth bands are
signed to indie record labels, so music videos usually guest-star friends of
the artists. And I wish the musicians could get some Black friends because
these videos are white as snow.
Jokes aside, I don’t believe I’ll
ever stop being a Goth. Even when I’m married with children, I still envision
myself swaying to Goth’s hypnotic dark beats while wearing all black. I hope I
will always find joy when listening to Goth music seeping from my headphones.
